Thus with a Kiss

Chapter twenty-one.

Lawrence.

I walk back over, black coffee in hand, and can’t help but memorise every line of Paige’s face. The soft curve of her ear hidden underneath her hair, the gentle shape of her lips, the foggy expression in those pure blue eyes, as if her thoughts are a chain around her neck, dragging her down. She picks up her mug and takes a sip of her drink, her whole body outwardly sighing in satisfaction; her tongue tracing her lips, languidly savouring every last drop. What I wouldn’t do to feel those lips on mine, if only for a fleeting a second. And the thought is so intrusive that I almost stumble as I place my coffee on the table between us. Stumble because the notion of such a thing is so inherently human that it should be foreign to me. Should be, but isn’t – at least not where Paige is concerned.

‘Almost spilt your coffee there’, she smiles up at me, and god if it doesn’t make me hate myself that little bit more. I shake my head, smiling back at her, falling into easy conversation about nothing and everything all at once.

She tells me about her uni work, and listening to her passion, the enthusiasm with which she speaks about her interests is enthralling; she is at first quiet and reserved, but there’s a fire behind her eyes that rises to the surface when she speaks about things that mean something to her. And I can’t help but being a little envious of her. Yes, from the outside she perhaps lives a rather uneventful life, keeping to herself, her work, and her books, rather than partying her nights away, losing herself in the touches of others. But it doesn’t mean there isn’t life inside her; her life is the quiet kind, the tentative joy of having something that she truly finds happiness in and being contented with that alone, which I think is more than a lot of people can say. She knows what she likes and there’s something fiercely compelling about that, even if her proclivity for staying inside with herself perhaps robs her of the chance to see what the human world can truly offer her. But I’m hoping I will change that, show her what the world could be like, should the universe have granted her the timeline to do so.

‘Could you not see yourself living forever’, I ask her, the brevity of her timeline a ghost hovering over my shoulder.

‘I couldn’t think of anything worse. I can’t imagine myself living for fifty years, let alone a hundred or another thousand after that.’

‘That’s’, I pause, unsure of how to express what her words have evoked, ‘that’s sad’. And sad doesn’t even begin to cover the extent of what rages inside of me, taunting me, but too unknown for me to lock down.

And she doesn’t say anything else, but the potent emotion in her eyes tells me enough of the thoughts that are spiralling around in her head. Now you know what it feels like to be in my head. I can barely picture being alive each time I get out of bed, to think of having to do this thing we call life for eternity, it would be living torture. And a sick part of me is almost grateful that she struggles so intensely, because it means that maybe taking her life will be a small mercy for her. And what a bastard I am to feel relief at robbing her of the chance to change her mind, to grow into herself and out of her neurosis. What a bastard indeed.

She clears her throat, tilting her head back as she drains the last of her coffee. That sadness has settled in her eyes again, a thin cloak of despondency the draws her out of her surroundings and into herself.

‘Ready for the next part of the day?’, I nod towards the door. Not waiting for a response, I grab the finished drinks and return the mugs to the counter, ambling towards the front door and streets outside. Paige trails after me with the reluctance of an abused dog, not wanting to be left behind, but scared of what will happen if she follows.

‘My car is just around the corner, the next place we’re going is too far to get to on foot’. She nods as if only half interested, her eyes anywhere but on my face. Her disinterest making me question whether she wants to continue what would be the equivalent of a date, if I were human and allowed to par-take in such things.

‘Unless you’d rather the leave the day here’, I blurt, her silence compelling me to fill the empty space with words, begging for validation, for any small approval, like a narcissist delights in flattery from strangers, getting high off the compliments inflating their own self-esteem. She hesitates and my stomach drops, ready for her dismissal. And I suppose it will be a good thing, a relief. That way I can go back to my job as her Reaper, and she can resume her title as my charge, a distant soul whose life I have no investment in, other than in those final moments where I carry her to The Beyond.

‘No, I want to see what else you have planned’, and the smile she gives me lights something akin to joy in my chest. I nod at her, trying valiantly to contain my relief and guilt as I lead her down the road, towards the side street where my car is parked. Paige gasps, a barely audible in-take of breath that has my head whipping to the side so quickly I’m surprised I don’t give myself whiplash.

‘What is it?’.

‘I don’t know what I was expecting, but I didn’t expect you to drive such a beaten up, worn down little car’, she laughs, as if the idea of me in that metal contraption is an absurdity of the highest level. ‘You’re just so broody and mysterious that I thought your car would be’, she pauses, as if searching the entire universe for the right word, ‘elegant?’. She laughs again, her quiet giggle giving way to something more obnoxious and less delicate, erupting out of her like fire from a hot air balloon, it fits and bursts.

‘Well I’m glad my choice of car is amusing to you’, I wink, opening the passenger side and beckoning her. After shutting her door, I get behind the wheel, fiddling around with the temperamental radio until I find a station that plays with minimal interference.

‘Where are we off to?’, I can barely hear her question over the sputter of the engine roaring to life, the whir of the wheels as they slowly move over the tarmacked road a reassuring hum in the background.

‘Since the weather is nice, I thought we could head up to the hills and go for a walk’. What I don’t say is that there’s a small night life nestled in between the valleys that I’m hoping I can take Paige to if we decide to stay that long. Just so I can unleash that fire within her for the world to see. To unleash herself with no hesitation, to be in the moment and just let herself go.

‘I like that, being outside can be refreshing’, she nods at me.

‘The drive is a little while away, but it will be worth it once we get there’. I change gears, accelerating faster as I move onto a main road, away from the buildings and bustle of the everyday and out onto the open road. Concrete and grey turns to green and countryside, the trees a blurring mosaic of colours outside the window, Paige and calming presence at my side as her gaze roams over the scenery. We don’t speak, but the silence is personable, soothing, a warm blanket wrapping around our bodies like the comfort of an old friend. The music is secondary to the hums of Paige’s body, my Reaper sense so in tune with her soul, that it is music to me in and of itself. Right now, her souls is a quiet thing, a low hum of anticipation that she is completely unaware of.

We drive like this, content to watch the road go by whilst the car speeds over the miles it takes to reach the hills on the outside of town, the silence an invisible thread between our two bodies. And if there was one thing I could ask the universe for, in this moment, it would be to freeze time, to allow me the privilege of basking in this tentative solitude for more than a few minutes; for hours or days, or even for the rest of my never-ending existence . And in this moment, I can’t help but yearn for the fulfilment of humanity, the joys and sorrows that come in abundance, over my quasi-existence of the in-between, never quite knowing where I fit. But in this car, with the wind swaying the metal almost ferociously, and the white noise of music and our combined breathing, I almost feel it, that place I fit. I almost find that place I am meant to be. With Paige, and nowhere else.

So what will become of me when she is no longer? The thought unsettles me for the rest of the drive, disturbing that transitory calm that slipped through my fingers like wine through an invisible net.

What will become of me?