Chapter thirteen.
Lawrence
I don’t want that. I want to, I need to, be seen when I’m still here so I know that I mattered.
Paige’s words rattle in my head all the way back to Reaper HQ. And I can’t help but feel like I failed her in some way. She started opening up to me and what did I do? I just walked by her side, unable to articulate a response because how could I put into words that I, a chain in the ever-growing universe, whose fundamental purpose is to question nothing, to exist without autonomy, have been questioning everything since the first time I saw her face.
Shaking my head, I let the night wash over me, let Paige’s words wash over me for what must be the fifth time in the last ten minutes. The human world looks different at night, more relaxed. There’s so much potential in the darkness because without sight, anything can exist or grow. It’s in this darkness that I let images of Paige run through my mind: her shy smile, the way she twists her rings around her fingers when she’s nervous, the sadness that she sometimes can’t quite hide in her eyes. Sadness that has no place in the eyes of such a young person, someone who has so much left to see. But that’s the thing about humans, or at least it is something that I am starting to learn.
Sadness doesn’t need a reason to exist; it exists because the universe demands balance; in order to live with happiness, it must have a counterpart. But much of humanity is troubled with sadness that goes deeper than one hard day; in some people it runs so deep that they drown in it, slowly being consumed by their darkest thoughts to the point where they become them. And I see a little of that sadness in Paige’s eyes. I’m determined to at least try and alleviate some of it before I have to end her life.
***
I reach HQ in under 20 minutes, jumping between walking and reaper-walking to get there in half the time. The door is locked when I arrive, so I resort to levitating through my bedroom window to avoid any terse words from Anchor. If he thinks I’m sneaking off to see Paige or not focused solely on my mission, he’ll assign her to someone else. And I cannot let that happen.
Trying not to think of Paige and all the things I don’t want to identify too closely, I get changed and slip into bed, hoping sleep will distract me for a few hours.