Thus with a Kiss

Chapter nine

Lawrence.

You would think sitting on top of one of the Egyptian pyramids would become tiresome eventually, what with the endless grains of sand finding their way into one’s eyes and mouth, the sun almost blisteringly hot, but it has yet ceased to amaze me. I think it has to do with the permeance of it all- for someone who so regularly encounters death, although ‘encounters’ seems somewhat facetious given the fact that I am, in essence, death itself, the idea that anything could stand this long without destruction bewilders me.

‘Beat you’ I smirk at Elodie as she finally deigns to make an appearance, settling next to me on the thin edge. She rolls her eyes, taking in the landscape that rolls for miles on end in every direction.

I don’t say much, not that I’m prone to anyway, but today talking just seems like one big risk- I know the second Elodie asks me about my current charge, I’ll spill my guts about Paige, just to feel the transitory relief of imparting my ethical burden onto someone else. But then that temporary relief will slowly fester into shame and Elodie will be too nice in trying to make me feel less torn about it.

‘You first’, I nod at Elodie, beating her to the punch; buying myself a few more moments or two before needing to decide whether to let Elodie in on what is probably going to be a fiasco.

‘Nothing of great interest at the moment’, Elodie sighs. In a sick way, Elodie seems to get off on the thrill of learning who will die next; she isn’t malevolent though, it’s more that she enjoys being part of this bigger story, this bigger purpose, because without Reapers the world would slowly grind to a halt. I just don’t see it that way, how can we celebrate a life where all we do is take?

‘I still have all those war heroes and soldiers to collect, a never ending pain if you ask me, but currently I’ve just been assigned to geriatrics’, she sighs, giving me an almost sad look.

‘Isn’t that a good thing though, El? You’re reaping people at the end of their lives, not taking them on the cusp of living’, like I will be with Paige.

‘Yeah I guess so, I think I’m just getting tired of it all Law, like when do we get to live? Is it so wrong of me to want something more for myself?’, she whispers the last part, no doubt scared of voicing her desires, of getting caught with treason on her mind.

‘No, I don’t think it’s wrong at all to want that El. There’s nothing wrong at all about that.’ I say the last bit again more for myself than I do for her. I guess knowing that Elodie struggles too makes me feel slightly better, although I very much doubt she’s kept up late at night with thoughts of any of her charges.

She looks at me then, and it’s like she can see the turmoil I’m feeling like you would see the colour of someone’s hair or the material of their clothes.

‘What’s bothering you Law, you’re not one to normally go against our origins, our purpose?’ And wasn’t that the truest, most devastating thing I’d heard all day. I didn’t care before, I’ve lived on autopilot for all these years, doing as I was told, never really thinking for myself. I’ve been a robot encased in the body of youth, following demands obediently, being the unfeeling automaton the so-called universe intended me to be.

But I can’t do it anymore. I can’t keep pretending that these rules don’t chafe, that I don’t have a sentience all of my own.

‘It’s my new charge’, I let the admission hang in the air for few a moments, waiting to see Elodie’s reaction. She nods in silent encouragement. ‘Her name is Paige, and she’s young, she’s barely even begun to live and now I’m just expected to take her life, to take away her chance of achieving every success she puts her mind to. Take away her chance to fall in love, to dream…’ I trail off, not knowing how much to tell Elodie, not really wanting to think of all the chances I’ll be robbing Paige of by doing my duty; by killing her.

‘Oh Law, you’ve had young cases before though and I’ve never seen you this distressed about them’.

‘I know, but none of them were Paige. With her it’s just, it’s different El and I can’t explain it but it’s just different. She’s different.

‘God, you sound like you’re falling for her’, Elodie turns towards me, a joke of a smile on her face not quite realising how close to home she really is. I give her a weak smile, willing my face as much into neutrality as I can manage. But Elodie doesn’t miss a thing.

‘Lawrence, no’ she grimaces, ‘you’ve only known her for what? Shy on a couple days. How can you? How can this be?’ she can’t even finish her sentence, too overcome with disbelief to find the words.

‘I know I don’t know what to tell you. There’s just something about her. She’s so shy, so unaware of how much potential she has that it’s crippling to watch. And she won’t even get to realise the scope of her potential because I have to take it away from her. El, how am I ever going to do that? Tell me, how is it fair that I have to be the one to do it’, I fold in on myself, my head curled into my chest, my shoulders curving into my body, trying to become as small as possible. Trying not to exist.

‘Because you must’, Elodie puts her hand on my shoulder, her way of comforting me. But it doesn’t work. ‘Law if anyone knows this better than humans do, it’s us: life isn’t fair. Life is made of all these promises, these hopeful chances that may or may not occur. It’s full of love and happiness and hope. But that is exactly what living means; can humans truly experience life if they don’t also have to experience pain, death, heartbreak? How can you truly appreciate something for what it is, if you don’t understand what it is to not have that thing? It’s a hard pill to swallow, but life wouldn’t be life if it wasn’t the contradiction so many of us hate it to be. You can’t have joy without sadness, in the same way living cannot exist without it’s opposite: death. It doesn’t make it easy though Law, of course it doesn’t. But that’s just it; it isn’t meant to be easy’.

I look at Elodie stunned, taken aback at the intensity of her response.

‘Has this- have you had to deal with this before?’, it was the only reason I could think of as to why she’d given life (something Reapers are generally forbidden from enjoying) so much thought.

‘It’s not about me’, shaking her head, Elodie is elusive as ever, ‘I just thought I’d give you my two pence’.

‘And what a two pence it was’. I shake my head, tucking away Elodie’s advice for later, when I can process all that she’s said in the privacy of my own room. Alone.

We both stand up, perhaps feeling this as the perfect moment to depart, both of us somewhat lost in thought.

‘Thank you Elodie, that was-‘

‘Don’t, you don’t need to say anything’, she bows her head at me, a Reaper sign of gratitude and disappears, leaving me alone on top of the pyramid perhaps more agonised over my duty now than I ever have been before.